Better Days

The first time Butch saw Jay actually cry was when they were about six. It was the only time he could recall her showing any genuine emotion. She had lost something, what it was he can’t clearly remember, but he can remember the distraught look on her face. She had been sniffling off in a corner by herself, mumbling about the lost object.

They never found it in the end; the Doctor came and comforted his daughter until she fell asleep. Every day after that, she never cried, but she was clearly upset. The younger Butch would feed that fire, poking fun at her for that emotional attachment.

The second time she cried was two minutes ago. It was because she found something.

Jay had been leading Butch around the Jefferson Memorial Building, a confusing labyrinth of offices and broken piping. The scent of mold and rust wafted through the air while the only noise besides their quiet footfalls and rustling of supplies was the creaking of hinges and droplets of water. She had cleared the building much earlier in her travels, much to the Tunnel Snake’s relief. If it hadn’t been previously cleared, he doubted that they would make it too far. Jay had been off that month; she seemed to be slowed. She would often detach herself from conversation, spacing out with her thoughts going elsewhere. Whatever was bothering her, he expected her to find some way to push it out of her way, just like she always did.

When she approached Butch about traveling to the Memorial Building, he noticed a small shimmer of excitement that she had been devoid of until then. He figured that if she needed to work something out, it had to be there. With zero complaints on his end, he shrugged and followed after her.

He felt a little regret as the putrid smells hit his nose and made his face scrunch up. Jay was too busy looking everywhere else to even acknowledge his discomfort, usual emotionless gaze inspecting the area. Her eyes had been darting back and forth, head poking into any office that seemed interesting to her, almost as if she had been searching for something specific. She was like a hawk trying to dig up something that it dropped, Butch noted.

One office in particular caught her attention when she made a side glance at it and immediately turned on her heel to enter, almost causing Butch to walk right into her. Thankfully, no such accident occurred while the smaller wanderer slipped passed him and immediately began rummaging through the office space.

Butch leaned against the wall after following her inside, taking in the room. It wasn’t too different from the other offices, a few chairs, a desk, and a bed. There wasn’t much to take, and yet she  almost seemed desperate to find whatever it was she was looking for. The noises of rustling paper halted for a moment when she picked up a small scrap of paper, looked at it for a moment, then shoved it into a pocket. While Jay continued her search, Butch continued his own assessment. He looked down beside him and found a small side table with a few empty bottles, papers, and a single holotape.

Before he even thought about picking it up, Jay looked to him and followed his gaze to the tape. When her eyes landed on it, Butch would daresay the deadpan look on her face lit up. She scrambled over and snatched the holotape, gripping onto it so tightly Butch was worried she would break it. He looked over her shoulder and noticed the sloppy better days scrawled onto the front with marker.

Without missing a beat, Jay quickly shoved the holotape into the player on her Pip-Boy. She cradled the device in her arms, gripping onto it just as she had with the tape. When she pressed play there was a few seconds of static. Jay’s gaze never left the glowing screen on her wrist, watching the marker on the audio timeline intently.

Then a voice spoke.

It was feminine voice. She sounded tired, but had a sort of light to it.

“...that batch of tests was inconclusive, but Madison and I are convinced it's a problem with the secondary filtration system. We're going to re-calibrate the equipment and try again tomorrow, so that…”

She was cut off by a fit of laughter. “James, please, I'm trying to work. Now's not the time.”

Butch’s eyes widened and realised what they were listening to and where they were. He gave another look around and everything seemed to click into place for him. That office must have been where the Doctor had worked when Project Purity was still a work in progress. She came to look for some sort of closure.

“Pipsqueak, is this-”

His eyes glanced back to Jay and tuned back into the audio recording. It ended with the voice giggling playfully and then cut short abruptly by static.

He didn’t even notice Jay was crying until he saw water dripping onto the Pip-Boy screen. Her wide eyes were glossed over as tears poured out. She was quiet for the most part, save for a few shallow breaths that escaped her mouth that was slightly ajar. Although the tape had stopped long ago, the girl still kept her gaze glued to the glowing green of the Pip-Boy. It was like the voice had put her in a trance that she couldn’t shake. Just looking at her in that state made his chest tighten.

Sure, there had been times during their travels where both were rendered speechless, but never like this. Not even back in the Vault when they stood around the reactor level, Jay shooting at empty cans and talking about the existential crisis of the day. Things like this were formulaic then; topic, silence, and then a smart-ass remark. But none of those talks ever related to their families, let alone her mother.

Butch wasn’t quite sure how he would snap her back to reality. His mouth opened and closed several times, trying to find something to say. Sadly, the Tunnel Snake wasn’t as great with words as Jay had grown to be; she could quote such insignificant Shakespearean quotes should the scenario arise, but she was just as wordless as Butch. Cursing under his breath, he scratched the back of his neck and found comfort in the cracks in the ceiling.

“That was the first time I…” Jay’s voice cracked and the distant look was still prominent on her face. “I’ve never heard her voice before. As far as I can remember.”

Butch’s mouth went dry and he could feel a weight drop in his stomach. Again, he couldn’t find anything to say. He cursed internally to himself for being horrible at talking. While he mentally berated himself, he saw Jay slump back to lean against her father’s desk.

Her expression was no longer empty and lost. Instead, her face reverted back to dead fish eye squint and it looked like heavy bags had settled beneath them; she looked absolutely exhausted. Sniffling, she frustratedly scrubbed her face on her sleeve, trying to stop the tears from streaming down her face.

“Ugh, I don’t even know why I’m crying,” she mumbled into her jacket and brought her legs up to her chest.

Butch looked down at her and huffed out a sigh. “I, uh, I don’t blame you,” he stuttered out, dropping himself down next to her. The words came out a little stinted, not being too confident in his attempt at some sort of comfort. He wasn’t prepared to continue however, as he awkwardly toyed with a loose strand on his pants. Situations like this flustered him the most since neither of them knew how to handle emotions properly. Usually, shit like this would end with him knocking something up and then trying to forget about it. For Jay, she would stomp them down and ignore them. This was a little too heavy for both of them.

Jay startled Butch out of his thought when she let out a breath and pulled out the scrap of paper she had picked up earlier. On it was a young woman with a warm smile and tired eyes, below the photo was a date written in messy chicken scratch and a crudely drawn smiley face. Jay held it up to the Pip-Boy she was cradling in her arms and just stared at it.

“I’ve always wondered what it’d be like if she were still here. If she lived. If Project Purity had gone smoother. If we never entered the Vault,” Jay started, her voice was still gravely. Butch swallowed hard at the sentiment, trying to imagine what growing up would have been like with one less brat. He came up with nothing. Jay continued her thoughts.

“My dad told me about her a lot when I was growing up, you know. That she was this kind person that wanted to help anyone she could. Sometimes I feel like I robbed him of that and I was just a piece that she left behind. Even I miss her and I never even knew the woman. I’ve been having so many dreams of her, just doing things that I assumed a mother would do. It got me thinking… What was she really like? What would she be like while I was growing up? Maybe dad would have been less stressed about everything, less tired, and less busy. I would have grown up here with both of them. I probably would have been an entirely different person...” she raked a hand through her short hair, hand rubbing at her face as it came back down.

The boy beside her followed her hand, a little lost in her disorganized spiel. Her words were normally calculated to ensure that her audience could understand her. However, during the rare moments of her speaking impulsively, there was no structure. Jay always noticed it and it never failed to get her frustrated. She buried her face into her legs and wrapped her arms over her, making her look even smaller than she already was.

“I wonder what she’d think of me now.”

“I dunno, I think she’d be pretty proud,” Butch blurted without thinking, his words sounded blunt, as if he were stating a fact.

Jay’s face whipped up to meet the Tunnel Snake’s gaze, her expression could be mistaken as a scowl. Luckily, spending so much time with her did give him a certain advantage over others; he was able to read her unmoving poker face and confusing expressions. She was confused, urging him to explain.

“I mean, like, you’ve done so much for the people out here⎼ hell, you even finished up her life’s work! If that’s not something worth bragging about, I don’t know what is,” Butch could feel the nervous sweat on his forehead as he quickly sputtered out the flurry of words.

Honestly, it amazed him how little she thought of the impact she left on the capital wasteland; the water was pure, settlements were thriving, and violence had gone down (albeit it could be a bit better, but with the lack of a proper security force, but traveling wasn’t as dangerous as it was when she first stepped out, or so he assumed). If it were him, he’d be bragging on and on about being the savior of the wastes and using it as leverage to pick up on chicks or something of the sort. But Jay, on the other hand, just saw them as stepping stones to get to her father. He wished that she could really see the good she’s done, for the people of the Wasteland, the Vault⎼ even him for God’s sake! If she hadn’t rolled into Rivet City and took him by the wrist, he doubted he would even dare to see half the shit she’s dragged him to.

When he brought himself back from his thoughts and focused on Jay, she looked almost perplexed as her eyes widened by a fraction. Butch was impulsive by nature; in fact, it was so second-nature to him that half the time he didn’t notice he did something until after it happened. He realised that his thoughts had also bubbled to the surface to Jay.

This whole fucking situation was already uncomfortable enough for him, but seeing some sort of emotion on her robotic face⎼ even the tiniest bit ⎼ that he provoked always would make him swell with pride. Perhaps that might have been the catalyst for his earlier taunting, but he decided to think on that later. This was much more gratifying than getting her pissed off (although, he would admit that seeing her flustered never failed to amuse him).

A drop of water broke the silence, and he decided to bring his speech to a conclusion. “B-But seriously though, Pipsqueak, you’ve done a lot in⎼ what? Two years? Give yourself some more credit. You’re not some shadow of your mom; you’re her kid, and I don’t doubt for a second that her or your dad regretted having you.” He punctuated it with a (kind of awkward) pat on the head.

Jay blinked several times,seemingly taking a moment to register Butch’s words as well as his sudden physical contact. Then, much to his surprise, she exhaled a short laugh. It almost looked like she was smirking at him, with the corner of her mouth tilted by a hair.

“I didn’t know you could be so eloquent, where’d that come from?” she took the hand Butch had rustled her hair with by the wrist and lead it down, allowing her access to lean on his stiffened shoulder.

“Shit, I’d tell you if I knew,” he nonchalantly huffed, gradually relaxing his muscles.

They sat there in silence, not looking at anything in particular. It was a comfortable kind of silence, one that Butch wasn’t very accustomed to.

But damn if it wasn’t great.

He heard some shuffling and looked down at Jay’s hand, holding the picture of the woman with the warm smile and tired eyes.

It was almost as if she was smiling right at them. It made him feel warm.